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Hoshikaze 2250 :: Consulter le sujet - 04 - Eclats métalliques
Hoshikaze 2250
http://hoshikaze.net/hk-forum/

04 - Eclats métalliques
http://hoshikaze.net/hk-forum/viewtopic.php?f=74&t=620
Page 2 sur 2

Auteur :  scylliane [ Dim 26 Sep 2010 10:36 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 04 - Eclats métalliques

Patrick (Cialf), je cherche à renommer le "guide du clan" rith initialement appelé Fragann Skout
dans le texte. Comme tu es assez calé côté Rithaï, je crois, pourrais-tu me conseiller ?
Est-ce que "Commandant Skashht" convient du point de vue des sonorités (sifflantes par exemple)
et du titre ?

Sinon, j'ai pour l'instant suivi vos pistes en réduisant le nombre de personnages : c'est A'Kirg'Jabb (le négociant du spiraxy) qui se retrouve à sauter en parachute dans la jungle de Sikt, suite à un stratagème expliqué dans le récit. C'est donc lui qui se retrouve à la fois à l'origine du trafic de nano-implants,
de la fuite d'information en parlant trop au "restaurant", et cela finit par causer sa perte.
J'ai changé quelques données temporelles pour qu'il ait le temps de se rendre au combat.

A'Trek'Tar, le fils du général K'Rinn qui a espionné la conversation dans le restaurant et transmis ces informations au Conseil K'Rinn, devient B'Trek'Tar (je croyais que tous les noms K'Rinns commençaient par A mais ça embrouille !) et rejoint le clan Irilia du système minier
pour observer la stratégie militaire mise en place. A la fin, il est un témoin sensible de la mise à mort des Ka'Raltiens qu'il a trahis (et en particulier du Spatien A'Kirg'Jabb).

Pour diminuer la cassure dans le rythme, j'ai rajouté du dialogue dans la partie de négociation et de Spiraxy (plus vive, donc) au lieu de tout raconter en mode narratif, et j'ai supprimé le présent de narration qui accélérait dramatiquement le combat en repassant tout au passé.

Il me reste à "épaissir" les différents personnages pour leur donner une consistance et une psychologie à laquelle le lecteur puisse s'identifier. Je croyais bêtement être en limite de signes
(vers 20 000 SEC) alors que la plupart des autres nouvelles sont bien plus longues.

Le nouveau texte arrivera bientôt, j'incluerai au maximum vos commentaires si vous avez suivi ceci, n'hésitez pas.

Auteur :  scylliane [ Dim 26 Sep 2010 13:17 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 04 - Eclats métalliques

PS merci pour la relecture, P. Halvick. J'ai essayé d'épaissir les personnages en rajoutant 5000 signes
(+ 25 %). Quoiqu'il arrive, j'aurai beaucoup appris lors du retravail.

Auteur :  mutos [ Mer 29 Sep 2010 14:55 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 04 - Eclats métalliques

Bonjour Scylliane,


Voilà, je viens de la modifier après 1ère relecture. Pour y aller directement au cas où le sujet s'allongerait au-delà d'une page, ...

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