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Hoshikaze 2250 :: Consulter le sujet - 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?
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02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?
http://hoshikaze.net/hk-forum/viewtopic.php?f=74&t=594
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Auteur :  phalvick [ Mar 20 Juil 2010 04:15 ]
Sujet du message :  02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?


Auteur :  Soulnight [ Mar 7 Sep 2010 13:32 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

Vraiment très bon, je suis resté bluffé sur l'efficacité du scénario.
Bravo à l'auteur

Auteur :  Cialf [ Mer 8 Sep 2010 20:47 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

:mrgreen: Texte excellent. J’aime beaucoup la chute. Quelques précisions de décor (quel type de forêt, quels obstacles à la marche, quels bruits éventuels…) seraient souhaitables et rendraient la progression plus vivante. Surtout si les persos se demandent quel type de bruit peut faire une meute de jeunes Sshaads.

Un passage qui mériterait une relecture:

La jeune femme me secoua et me piailla dans mes oreilles.

- Abrège l'encyclopédie. Que te rappelles-tu sur les jeunes ? Avant leur phase dite de Renaissance ?


Attention, c’est le moment-clé du récit. La major essaie d’éveiller l’instinct protecteur de l'amnésique, et elle n’est pas du tout certaine de réussir. Sans laisser deviner la suite, on pourrait marquer l’importance du moment de façon un peu plus grave que par « elle me piailla dans les oreilles ».

Auteur :  Soulnight [ Mer 8 Sep 2010 21:17 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

Généralement quand on avance sous une menace on ne fait pas attention au petit détails.
Vu que le point de vue est interne au colonel, il est plausible qu'il ne fasse attention à rien d'autre que sa "meute"

Auteur :  Cialf [ Ven 10 Sep 2010 01:06 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?


Auteur :  Lauryn [ Ven 10 Sep 2010 08:10 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

Quelques phrases à la formulation pas très heureuse mais le texte est efficace et l'histoire intéressante.

Auteur :  mutos [ Dim 12 Sep 2010 04:20 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

Bonjour à tous,


Soulnight, plutôt d'accord avec Cialf sur ce point : dans un environnement hostile, on est attentif à tout, car tout peut se révéler un danger. Et qui plus est si on guide une bande de gosses...

Les relectures sont prévues et prendront en compte les suggestions. A ce propos, Lauryn, as-tu des exemples des formulations pas très heureuses sur ce texte ? Merci d'avance !

Auteur :  scylliane [ Dim 19 Sep 2010 13:37 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

un texte efficace, un doute qui naît dans l'esprit du lecteur, évoqué par le narrateur un peu plus tard (sur le major), et un retournement final bien mené. Bravo !

Auteur :  jollyroger [ Jeu 23 Sep 2010 10:21 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

JE SUIS LA FEMME DE JOLLYRODJER.
J'ai lu votre texte, j'ai accroché tout de suite même si j'ai été perdu par les différentes éspéces que je ne connais pas (sshaads ect...).
Il y a qqs fautes à mon avis d'écritures (temps, et il me semble qu'il manque un mot à un endroit).
La fin est génial.

Auteur :  mutos [ Ven 1 Oct 2010 04:50 ]
Sujet du message :  Re: 02 - Dites, vous savez qui je suis ?

Bonjour à tous,


Modifié suite à première relecture. En fait assez peu de changements, juste quelques tournures et éclaircissements.

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